Finding Yourself
The Surrender
Soon you realize that what is happening, is REALLY HAPPENING. It's true. The days go by, and your connection to your kids lengthens. At this point, it's time to re-assess. It's time to start learning. It's time to begin connecting with YOURSELF and begin the process of learning who you really are and who you have been as a parent. Most importantly, it's time to find the shame that you are carrying. It's time to sit with that shame. It's time to get to know who it is, where it comes from, and how you have co-created this shadow within. To surrender into this is HARD. But it is the path. As hard as it is to allow for it, the universe has a plan, and this set of hard hard hard lessons is a part of that plan. It's time to surrender.
Deep Learning
You have been "you" for so long that you might not even recognize the deeper parts of yourself. It's easy to think, "this is just who I am!" Though true to some degree, what really happens to people is this:
- We arrive on this planet with a set of hard lessons in front of us.
- We also arrive with a set of handicaps to endure: disconnection from spirit, a limited perspective, a short memory, and a thorough veil of unworthiness. Here you go...Good luck learning!
- 'We experience trauma in our childhood. A hard rebuke, a judgment, a dangerous event... During this time, our nervous system takes over and tries to protect us. We develop "parts" or "shadows" or "inner children" that remember these traumas. They apply protective strategies to keep us safe. Unfortunately, most of us don't like these parts of ourselves...so we "exile" these parts and try our best to forget that they exist.
- We play out the first ½ of our lives within this paradigm. We think that we are growing, maturing, learning. But, underlying this process remains our exiled shadows. And guess what? They tend to be mirrored by the ones we love the most - meaning that through your relationships, this shadow will become a main tenet of the relationship. Your significant other, your kids, your lovers will mirror this shadow back to you. And, guess what? you will not like it! And from here, more coping strategies evolve...hiding, lying, blaming, over functioning, escape, etc.
- It's surprising how long this existence can last (for me it was 20 years). But as we come closer to mid-life, these shadows and our resistance to allowing them to express themselves, play out as the seeds to destruction of our relationships. Enter the classic "mid-life crisis" - a time which simply put, is a time where your spirit finally says, "Hey! It's time to see your inner shadows! No longer can you simply disregard them!"
- Here lies the opportunity: It's time to learn and grow! If you can slow down, allow for this change to truly be, and commit to the hard "WORK" that is required, then there is a path.
The Effort to Understand
As you dive into the above learning, progress will slowly emerge. Discoveries of who you are and who is inside of your heart, start to become visible, recognizable. Soon, you will start to understand that YOU PLAYED A MAJOR ROLE in co-creating the reality that you are in. Yes, your partner or co-parent is behaving badly. But, you played an important role in co-creating this reality.
You may have trouble accepting this. But it is an important part of the process.
When you do, then UNDERSTANDING will begin to emerge. Understanding of what role you played in the past. Understanding of why your co-parent is acting as they are. And most importantly, understanding of why your kids are making the decisions that they are making and why it makes sense for them to do so.
This part is HARD! But it is crucial.
What this path provides, is an escape from being the victim. It allows you to take responsibility for your part. It allows for you to unconditionally love your kids - even when they choose out of the relationship with you. It allows you to regain AGENCY. Agency over you. Empowered decision making capacity that allows you to LIVE your life. From here, we can decide to grow and evolve. We can then see what parental alienation truly is -- an opportunity to grow in ways that your soul arrived on this planet to accomplish. A true "Soul's Journey." Taking responsibility. Seeing your shadows. Loving your shadows. Becoming the leader of your own inner world. Finding surrender, acceptance, and allowance for the lessons that the universe has in store for you.
Relational Mastery
If you are at this point, then congratulations! You have made it a LONG way. It has taken me a solid 4 years of hard inner work to get to the point where I even understand what this means.
But what it means, is that you have evolved. You can now see who you truly are. You have established loving and whole relationships with yourself. From that point, you can anchor - anchor in the fact that YOU can truly be the ONLY PERSON who truly sees you, hears you, and loves you. When you reach this point, it is possible to begin reaching out to others from a whole and complete place.
When you can center like this (and believe me, it's an on-going daily practice), then the true relational work can begin.
You can now hold space for others and their perspectives. You can understand what they are expressing without making it about you (and your worthiness). You can firmly and proudly express who you are and what your needs and boundaries are. You can tell the authentic truth.
This transition has been the best transition of my life.
To be able to love myself from within (at the deepest somatic levels) then I can enter into relationships not with a need to extract (validation, love, acceptance), but rather, from a place of giving. Now, I know the difference. I can truly be with those I love. I can truly love them. I can be vulnerable, honest, open, and authentic. I'll tell you, this is a true gift.